Monday, June 22, 2009

Why It's Good That Some Children Don't Understand Threats

This is my sixth year of lifeguarding at the same pool, guarding the same children. They've gotten annoying. Fortunately, however, they do not tell their parents when bitter lifeguards threaten them with bodily harm. *

These are all actual conversations from this past week of work.

Guarding adult swim...
Grace: When is rest period going to be over?
Me: When I say so.
Grace: Blow your whistle!
Me: Bite me.

On break, during rest period...
Jacob: Can I get back in the pool?
Me: No.
Jacob: Let me back in the pool.
Me: No.
Jacob: Can I play with your whistle?
Me: I'm going to hit you over the head with this tube.

Teaching Level 3 swimming lessons...
Me: Get back on the wall.
Aidan: I don't want to.
Me: Get back on the wall.
Aidan: I'm gonna splash you!
Me: I'm gonna hit you over the head with that kickboard.

Guarding the deep end...
Me: No flips off the diving board.
Patrick: That's not a rule!
Me: It is for you.
Patrick: You made that up!
Me: I'm a lifeguard. I can make up whatever rules I want.
Patrick: That's not fair.
Me: Get out of the pool and give me twenty push-ups. No contradicting the lifeguards.

Eating a popsicle...
Kata: Lemme have a popsicle.
Me: Get your own.
Kata: You have a freezer!
Me: You know what? This is a tasty popsicle.
Kata: I bet you get brain freeze.
Me: I bet that I whip you with my whistle.

Guarding the deep end.

Zack: I want to go off the board.
Me: No. You haven't passed the deep water test.
Zack: I don't wanna.
Me: Too bad.
Zack: You're up in that chair. You can't stop me!
Me: Fine. If you drown, I'm not saving you.
Zack: You have to!
Me: Try it.

Testing the pH of the water...
Cooper: Whatcha doing?
Me: Testing the water.
Cooper: You are not.
Me: I would know.
Cooper: Is it acid?
Me: It's a chemical that turns pee red so that we know which little boys peed in the pool.
Cooper: Is it rest period yet?

Skimming the pool after the whistle blows...
Gwynne: Why are you skimming the pool?
Me: To get out the dead bugs. Get out of the pool.
Gwynne: Why?
Me: Do you want to swim in a pool full of bugs? Get out of the pool.
Gwynne: But why are all these bugs dead in the pool?
Me: They can't swim. Out of the pool!
Gwynne: But why did they go in the pool if they can't swim?
Me: They fall in sometimes, because they have to fly really low so that they can lay their eggs into the water to hatch in little girls' hair.
Gwynne: Oh no! What're they gonna hatch into?
Me: Water-millipedes. You can stay in if you want to.

*I have never actually hurt a child at the pool, nor do I ever intend to. There are some pretty annoying adults, though.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Prime Time Fever Dreams

I stayed home from work yesterday, sick to my stomach and with a fever. And I learned that, apparently, when you spend sixteen hours watching reruns whilst consuming nothing but Coke and ibuprofen, you have some pretty weird dreams.

Central Perk Coffee House

Me: Hey, guys. What’s going on?

Joey: Look at me! I’m Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?

Dr. House: Dude, you’re naked.

Detective Stabler: Have you been the victim of a sex crime? It’s okay, Chandler. I’m a police officer. You’re safe now.

Peter Griffin: That’s not even Chandler. That’s Ross!

Chandler: I wish. Although at least I didn’t pine after the same girl for years without making a move, Ross.

Jim Halpert: I can relate.

Dr. Shepard: I don’t think it was a compliment.

House: Dude, who invited McDreamy? No one who spends as much time as he does on his hair is welcome here.

J.D.: Why not?

Dr. Cox: You’ll speak when spoken to, Denise.

Hugh Jackman: Word to that.

Dr. Cox: Who the hell let you in?

Stabler: What seems to be the problem here?

Dr. Cox: That you haven’t banged your partner yet.

Peter Griffin: Oooh, burn!

Stabler: Whatevs. We’re just BFFs. Don't make me go all UnStabler on your ass. I’m not Mulder, for Christsakes.

Mulder: You’re just jealous.

Stabler: As if. At least my sister wasn’t abducted by aliens!

Peter Griffin: Oooh, burn!

Me: Why can’t we all just get along?

Ross: Detective Stabler, arrest that woman!

Stabler: Please turn around and put your hands behind your back.

Me: You can’t arrest me! I haven’t committed any sex crimes!

Stabler: Yet.

Me: You’re lucky that you’re hot. There is no way that I would go quietly if you looked like Ross.

Ross: Hey!

Peter Griffin: Oooh, burn!

Me: Fuck you. I’m trying to be manhandled here.

All: Damn right!

Stabler: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney…

Me: I love you.


I just had to wake up before we got into the back of the squad car. But it's okay. I still have plenty of ibuprofen and Coke.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Five Most Badass Roles

In light of the release of the most recent Terminator movie, I started to think about Arnold Schwarzenegger's career over the last twenty-five years. Of course, when most people think of Arnold, they think of Conan the Barbarian or Predator or Total Recall. But he is an actor who should be seen as the man beyond the muscles. He is so much more than a killing machine.

1. Kindergarten Cop (1990): John Kimble

If you thought that Arnold was badass when he was trying to kill Sarah Connor's unborn child in The Terminator (1984), your mind will be blown by the badassery of Kindergarten Cop as Arnold protects a class of innocent kindergarteners. There is a whole plot about theft and poisoning and kidnapping, but the real highlight is Arnold's interaction with the kids. Arnold has a ferret that only bites bad guys! And he's a bad teacher! And he does not have a too-mah! Who cares about illegal hijinks when there is the possibility of an Arnold vs. Kindergarteners blowout? It would have been an awesome twist that will most likely be the plot of Kindergarten Cop 2: The Next Generation.

2. Junior (1994): Dr. Alex Hesse

Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant. Is there really anything else that needs to be said? The only way that Junior could have been better is if a cyborg from the future came to hunt him down before he gave birth. Danny Devito could have protected him. Danny Devito can protect anyone.

3. Jingle All The Way (1996): Howard Langston

The world would be a better place if all that a man had to do to reconcile with his seriously pissed-off wife and son was to buy the kid an action figure. And the world would be a more interesting place if Arnold Schwarzenegger could only do so by dressing up as a superhero Turbo-Man with a jet pack. But if the villains of the world were postal workers played by Sinbad, the thrill of the chase would be kind of lost. As if Sinbad could take on Arnold. Arnold had had two years of maternity leave to regain the bulk that made him badass in the beginning. As if he needs a jetpack to beat anyone. Although jetpacks do make the world a cooler place to live. Just ask Boba Fett.

4. Batman and Robin (1997): Mr. Freeze and Dr. Victor Fries

Arnold really got to stretch his acting muscles in Batman and Robin, in which he got the chance to play a good guy/bad guy. He wants to freeze Gotham...but he wants to save his wife! He wants to kill most of Gotham...but he wants to cure MacGregor's Syndrome! In one of the most memorable performances of the film, he almost destroys the whole city and its population, but he totally saves Alfred. George Clooney is too pretty to be as tortured and growly as Christian Bale, and it would have been hard to see him try to suffer through the death of the most awesome character in Batman. There is no Batman without Alfred. Period.

5. Governor of California (2003 - ?): Arnold Schwarzenegger

Give it time.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I Repel Technology

So, I logged on to check out my blog for the first time in a couple of weeks and was pleased to find that it did not exist anymore. And then my computer crashed. Twice. Luckily, I had my posts saved as a Word Document on my computer because I am too paranoid to risk losing stuff when typing online. The maintenance of my blog is not the most important thing in my life right now...or, hopefully, ever...but I had to repost everything on principle, so it looks like I wrote all of my posts today. But I don't care. Take that, technology.

ETA: My original blog has reappeared.

Technology: 2
Laura: 1

I see how it is.

An AIM Conversation With Myself

So, I was speaking to my friend on Instant Messenger. She had to go to bed, so we said goodnight. Apparently, however, the conversation was not over for me.

Me: Okay, Bye.

Me: I feel like you need to post more of our conversations on your tumblr. It gives people the sparknotes impression of me. They get to see my awesomeness without actually having to read my blog. So, clearly, everyone wins.

Me: Also, grande unsweetened black shaken iced tea from the Bucks = awesomeness embodied.

Me: I just realized that I referred to myself as having awesomeness...and then said that my Starbucks drink is awesomeness embodied...ergo, Laura = iced tea.

Me: And yes, I know that you're away right now.

Me: You know, I don't talk to you this much when you actually ARE AT YOUR COMPUTER.

Me: Oops, Caps Lock again.

My mother would be so proud of me.


My Day (Why I'm Not Productive)

1:30 PM: Woke up.
2:03 PM: Got up.
2:06 PM: Logged onto AIM and checked my email.
2:06 PM: Multi-tasked; played snood, talked on AIM, checked on how much homework I have due tomorrow. Lots.
2:07 - 2:35 PM : More snood and instant messaging.
2:36 PM: Got dressed and brushed teeth. It was glorious.
2:58 PM: Logged off, gathered my homework together.
2:59 - 3:03 PM: Looked for a pen. Found it!
3:04 - 3:10 PM: Looked for my key. Found it!
3:15 - 5:25 PM: Sat in Starbucks. Grande shaken black unsweetened lemonade iced tea, which I finished before 4:00. Sucked on the ice cubes for the next hour. Read a book! It had nothing to do with my homework.
5:35 PM: Logged back onto to AIM. Thought about making a cake. Thought about taking a nap. Found a cake tin shaped like a bunny.
5:50 PM: Checked tumblr to read my friend Stephanie’s posts. Ignored my own.
6:00 PM: Tried to talk my friend out of volunteering. Failed. Talked her into giving me three eggs for my cake. Succeeded.
6:05 PM: Didn’t make the cake. More snood.
6:15 PM: Wrote stuff for my own blog. Whoa!
6:32 PM: Discovered that I accidentally forgot to hit “Create Post” and left this sitting on my desktop for 17 minutes. Am proud of myself.

Plans for the rest of the night:

-Make a cake
-Ice the cake to make it look like a bunny
-More Snood
-Have some cake



I love being bored.