The True Victims of 90s Happy Meals

Remember back in the 90s, when the Happy Meal toys were still awesome? There were separate toys for the girls and for the boys, and getting a new Matchbox car or Disney princess with an order of McNuggets was the highlight of a day for a kid. But not for the toys. Not for the toys.

Matchbox: Maybe it won't be a Happy Meal this time.

Sleeping Beauty: You always say that. And it always is a Happy Meal. Not even the new PlayPlace has stopped the children. I don't think that anything can.

Matchbox: I'm just trying to keep up the optimism here.

Sleeping Beauty: So was Frank. And we both know what happened to Frank.

Matchbox: God rest his soul.

Sleeping Beauty: I'm just trying to be realistic here. If Frank could be lost, any of us could be next.

Matchbox: Would you keep your voice down? If the other princesses hear you, the entire bin will know before the Lunch Menu goes up.

Sleeping Beauty: It's only fair. We should all be ready for the inevitable.

Matchbox: Oh, go back to sleep. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just a little tense right now.

Sleeping Beauty: We all are. You and I just need to stick together through this.

Matchbox: You're right. You know what? I'll sift to the bottom if you will.

Sleeping Beauty: Are you kidding me? That new kid reaches all the way down to the bottom! And I hear that there are still some feral lions left over from last month's Lion King feature. It's not worth the risk to go below.

Matchbox: So the rumors are true. I thought that that old Beauty's scars were just manufacturing defects.

Sleeping Beauty: If only it were so. She'll be okay, though, now that she's gone for a while. They pulled her out at closing time last night.

Matchbox: At least she's safe now.

Sleeping Beauty: Yeah. I'm sure she'll be back soon.

Matchbox: Oh, crap. Did you hear that order? I think it was for a Happy Meal!

Sleeping Beauty: Oh, God. Boy or Girl? BOY OR GIRL?

Matchbox: I didn't hear!

Sleeping Beauty: We're too close to the top! I can see the lights from Above...this is the end for one of us, my friend.

Matchbox: It has been an honor awaiting doom with you.

Sleeping Beauty: And you, sir. And you.

Zazu: Thank God. I've been trying to reach the top for weeks. It has been lion vs. hyena anarchy down there. It was no place for a toucan.

Sleeping Beauty: Toucan? I thought you were a hornbill.

Zazu: My tag isn't clear about that.

Matchbox: What the hell? You wanted to reach the top?

Zazu: There were whispers below of safety on the surface. Stories that some of the lucky ones were being pulled to freedom from the confines of this toy bin.

Sleeping Beauty: Seriously?

Zazu: Please. I have been at the bottom of this hellhole for too long. May I cut past you to the top of the queue? I can see an angel approaching now to take one of us. Let me be the first to go.

Matchbox: Are you a Boy toy or a Girl toy?

Zazu: I'm Gender Neutral.

Matchbox: Sure, go for it.

Sleeping Beauty: Have fun.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: APRIL 4, 2009