Failed Apology Letters To Heaven

Dear Jesus,

So, Easter is coming! That's a big holiday for you. Which you are so welcome for! Wow, that was inappropriate. Crap, this is ink. Oh well. Anyway, I'm really sorry that I betrayed you. When I saw that you were being crucified, you have no idea how much it hurt me. I was never in so much pain. I can't make you understand the agony. If it helps, I hung myself. Hanged myself. Whatever.

Luckily, it didn't hurt at all. Neck broke right away. Isn't that great? I didn't even feel it. And I did it in this field that I bought with your blood money. I have to say, it was nice to become a land-owner before I died. The economy was pretty bad, but I made it happen. But anyway. Gossip around the watercooler says that there's this thing about how you're supposed to come down here to take all the sinners up to heaven to hang with you and God. Any idea when that's gonna happen? Just curious. But seriously. Come visit anytime.

Say hey to Peter for me!

Love,
Judas


Dear Julius,

Hey! How are you doing? Having fun up there in those Elysian Fields? I bet you are. I mean, I know that you killed a bunch of people, but I think that you earned some eternal peace. But hey, I was a pretty good guy, too, up until I helped all those people who you thought were your friends to betray and murder you. We all make mistakes. And it was all Cassius' idea, really.

I had a really painful death, too, if that makes you feel any better. And I did it by falling on my own sword, so I've got the whole betrayal/murder and the suicide thing going for me. Double whammy for eternal damnation! But, you know, it's pretty bad down here. I'd kill myself again if I could! Lol.

But it'd be great if you'd take a little ride down on the River Styx and say hi. I'm sure you've got some influence up there, you can probably pull some strings. But you know what? It's pretty hellish (get it?), you probably wouldn't like it. So, just have one of your buddies pick me up, and I'll totally come see you up there in paradise. It would be no bother at all. Anyway, hit me back when you get the chance!

Yours truly,
Brutus

P.S. Remember how I was like a son to you?

Dear God,

So, I was just hanging around, burning with my minions, and I realized that it has been a long time since I apologized to you. We used to be so tight with each other! What happened to us, man? And before you start on me, yes, I remember the war that I started in heaven, and yes, I remember how I tried to turn all of your angels against you, but that was a long time ago, right? And your son is so big on forgiveness--I bet that he learned that somewhere, huh? And I know that he's kind of touchy on the subject of betrayal, but Judas is doing great down here, and he told me at breakfast this morning that Jesus might be coming down for a visit. Why don't you come, too?

We can make a little picnic of it, catch up on some things. But you know what? Lakes of fire aren't so good for picnics. So, here, I'll bring some food and Judas up to you. How's that sound? Jesus and Judas can make up and have some fun together while you and I discuss old times and how forgiveness is the most important virtue of all. Just name the date, and I am so good to go!

Miss you!

Sincerely,
Lucifer

ORIGINALLY POSTED: APRIL 8, 2009

Why The Priest And Rabbi Went To That Bar

The meeting that launched a million bad jokes...

Rabbi:So....

Priest: Yeah...

Rabbi: This is a little bit awkward.

Priest: You think so? Oh, thank God. I thought it was just me.

Rabbi: That's a test. Jews can't be uncomfortable.

Priest: That's...nice?

Rabbi: I was joking.

Priest: Oh, ha! I wasn't sure if I should laugh or be solemn or...

Rabbi: What are we supposed to be talking about?

Priest: I was kind of hoping that you an agenda or rubric or something that I could copy.

Rabbi: Me, too.

Priest: Well, shit. This is going to make tomorrow's homily a little difficult. A homily is when--

Rabbi: I know what a homily is.

Priest: Sorry. I wasn't sure how much you know about our church, other than the Jesus
dealio. I mean, all I know about you guys is your whole castration thing.

Rabbi: Circumcision.

Priest: Is that not the same thing?

Rabbi: It's in the Bible.

Priest: Is it in the Old Testament? Because I'm a little rusty on the Old Testament. I'm kinda more of a New Testament guy. You know, because of Jesus. He's so cool. Remember when he performed that miracle at--oh, right. Sorry. No Jesus or New Testament for you. I always forget that. But hey, since you don't use the New Testament, do you just call the Old Testament...Testament? Maybe I shouldn't have asked that. Hey! How about that time when Moses saw that burning bush and--

Rabbi: You want to go to a bar?

Priest: Hell yeah.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: APRIL 6, 2009

The True Victims of 90s Happy Meals

Remember back in the 90s, when the Happy Meal toys were still awesome? There were separate toys for the girls and for the boys, and getting a new Matchbox car or Disney princess with an order of McNuggets was the highlight of a day for a kid. But not for the toys. Not for the toys.

Matchbox: Maybe it won't be a Happy Meal this time.

Sleeping Beauty: You always say that. And it always is a Happy Meal. Not even the new PlayPlace has stopped the children. I don't think that anything can.

Matchbox: I'm just trying to keep up the optimism here.

Sleeping Beauty: So was Frank. And we both know what happened to Frank.

Matchbox: God rest his soul.

Sleeping Beauty: I'm just trying to be realistic here. If Frank could be lost, any of us could be next.

Matchbox: Would you keep your voice down? If the other princesses hear you, the entire bin will know before the Lunch Menu goes up.

Sleeping Beauty: It's only fair. We should all be ready for the inevitable.

Matchbox: Oh, go back to sleep. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just a little tense right now.

Sleeping Beauty: We all are. You and I just need to stick together through this.

Matchbox: You're right. You know what? I'll sift to the bottom if you will.

Sleeping Beauty: Are you kidding me? That new kid reaches all the way down to the bottom! And I hear that there are still some feral lions left over from last month's Lion King feature. It's not worth the risk to go below.

Matchbox: So the rumors are true. I thought that that old Beauty's scars were just manufacturing defects.

Sleeping Beauty: If only it were so. She'll be okay, though, now that she's gone for a while. They pulled her out at closing time last night.

Matchbox: At least she's safe now.

Sleeping Beauty: Yeah. I'm sure she'll be back soon.

Matchbox: Oh, crap. Did you hear that order? I think it was for a Happy Meal!

Sleeping Beauty: Oh, God. Boy or Girl? BOY OR GIRL?

Matchbox: I didn't hear!

Sleeping Beauty: We're too close to the top! I can see the lights from Above...this is the end for one of us, my friend.

Matchbox: It has been an honor awaiting doom with you.

Sleeping Beauty: And you, sir. And you.

Zazu: Thank God. I've been trying to reach the top for weeks. It has been lion vs. hyena anarchy down there. It was no place for a toucan.

Sleeping Beauty: Toucan? I thought you were a hornbill.

Zazu: My tag isn't clear about that.

Matchbox: What the hell? You wanted to reach the top?

Zazu: There were whispers below of safety on the surface. Stories that some of the lucky ones were being pulled to freedom from the confines of this toy bin.

Sleeping Beauty: Seriously?

Zazu: Please. I have been at the bottom of this hellhole for too long. May I cut past you to the top of the queue? I can see an angel approaching now to take one of us. Let me be the first to go.

Matchbox: Are you a Boy toy or a Girl toy?

Zazu: I'm Gender Neutral.

Matchbox: Sure, go for it.

Sleeping Beauty: Have fun.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: APRIL 4, 2009

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Grocery-Shop Alone

So, it's a Saturday afternoon, and I'm bored. So I decide to walk up to the nearest Starbucks (there are three within my walking distance) because I'm currently addicted to their iced-tea. More specifically, I'm addicted to always getting a grande black unsweetened shaken lemonade iced-tea. They are delightful, and I feel like a real Starbucks customer by ordering something with thirteen syllables.

So, I try to do some homework. Starbucks is the new library for me. After I give up, I decide that I'll head over to the grocery store, which is right by the Starbucks. I'm craving some Sunny Delight. It's a delightful (get it?) chaser to my lemonade iced-tea. So, I go in, ready to head to the juice aisle and pick a little pint bottle of Sunny D. But it is apparently 99 cent day (which I did not know happened at grocery stores), so I naturally have to roam all of the aisles to find what deals I can. Here is what I finally chose:

1. A big huge bottle of Strawberry Kiwi Gatorade Rain. I haven't had Gatorade Rain in three years. But it was 99 cents!

2. A bag of dry bow-tie pasta. I've never even made pasta in my life, unless Kraft Macaroni And Cheese counts. Which it totally should.

3. A two-liter bottle of Sunny Delight. 88 cents! It was such an awesome deal. A little pint bottle would have been a dollar. I don't know how to do any math or pint-to-liter conversions, but it was just the coolest deal ever.

4. A package of five toothbrushes. I currently already have three toothbrushes in my room. But this was a pack of FIVE! And they are totally multicolored. So worth the dollar.

Fortunately, I only had a five dollar bill with me (and no credit cards), so I couldn't embarrass myself by buying another 15 toothbrushes. But I also had my eye on some pudding cups and cream cheese. 99 cents! I would spend 200$ on deals.

I wish I wasn't 20.

ORIGINALLY POSTED: APRIL 4, 2009

The New And Exciting Spring Break Destinations of 2009

This has been the most dull month ever. Other than the fact that I turned 20 and am now officially over the hill and checking for grays every morning, not a whole lot has changed. I had spring break, though, and it was pretty crazy. So, it was only fair to humanity as a whole to document my experience.

Day 1: Saturday, March 7, 2009.

This was the first actual day of spring break. And my birthday. So, naturally, I celebrated both in the most natural way ever. I went to Applebee's with my parents and got a haircut. If that's not a party, I don't know what is.

Day 2: Sunday, March 8, 2009.

This was a big day. First, I slept until about 2:00PM. I had originally planned on getting up around 11:30 or so, while my parents were at church so we could all do brunch together or something. But I wasn't quite that selfless at 11:30 and consoled myself by sleeping for another hour and a half. After I actually did get up, I had a bowl of cereal and piece of pizza. Again, I probably should have gotten up for brunch. But there was no time to wallow in my malnutrition--there was a SuperNintendo calling my name in my brothers' room. Apparently, my mom has been playing Super Mario Brothers every night since the middle of January, but that was not the game for me. No, I am the expert at the classic game of Donkey Kong 2: Diddy's Kong Quest. Basically, Donkey Kong got kidnapped by Captain K. Rool (get it?) and it's up to his little brother Diddy and Diddy's girlfriend Dixie to rescue him. Dixie can do this awesome flying ponytail move. So I did that for a couple of hours.

Days 3 and 4: Monday, March 9, and Tuesday, March 10, 2009.

Monday and Tuesday kind of blend together. I'm pretty sure that I did the same things on both days, but I can't recall just what I did. I'm also pretty sure that I was in my pajamas all day. I even put them back on after a shower. All I know is that Monday and Tuesday included a lot of sleep, a lot of ER, and more Donkey Kong.

Day 5: Wednesday, March 11, 2009.

I was productive on Wednesday! Well, moderately productive. I still wore my pajamas all day, but I did things other than play Donkey Kong all day. My mom's birthday was coming up (March 15), and I was actually making her something. Craft time! Unfortunately, the messy crafts that were cute fifteen years ago are kind of just pathetic when you're twenty. I am apparently incapable of cutting in a completely straight line. Don't judge me. It's harder than it looks. I also learned the merits of speakerphone.

Day 6: Thursday, March 12, 2009.

This is when my break really started to spice up, and not just because I finally put real clothes on. I was going on a spring break road trip, so that was kind of normal for a kid my age. And for those who don't know, going to New Jersey and Harrisburg, PA with your parents is the new cool for spring break. Yes, I embarked on a trip to visit the rest of my family. Thursday was nice, though. We drove out to New Brunswick, NJ to visit my big brother. We actually got along! I think he was just happy that I hadn't broken the Super Nintendo. He would never forgive me. No joke. But it was nice.

Day 7: Friday, March 13, 2009.

On Friday, we left New Jersey to head down to Harrisburg to visit my family. My whole family.
We got to stay in a hotel, though, which was good. Less stress for everyone involved.

Day 8: Saturday, March 14, 2009.

My cousin, one of the brattiest children that I will hopefully ever meet, was being confirmed on Saturday, and we were out to watch it. I'm telling you, no spring break is complete without a two-hour Catholic church service that started with a fifteen-minute version of "We Didn't Start The Fire," using all saints' names. But my biggest brother and his girlfriend drove over from DC, so it was good to see them. It was practically Palm Beach. But after confirmation, we went to a reception for my cousin where almost all of the relatives on my dad's side of the family were. I recognized about four of them. But my other, more well-balanced cousins were there, so it wasn't bad. And I won a pot of flowers, so really, the trip was worth it.

Day 9: Sunday, March 15, 2009.

The drive back. We left early on Sunday morning, having said goodbye to the grandparents on Saturday and thankfully sparing me the task of trying to be loving before noon. It was a fairly fast trip home, and it was nice (for Cleveland) when we got back, so I tried not to focus too intently on the fact that I had a 9AM class the next day. But it was my mom's birthday, and we had a nice dinner for her. She also loved my crafty gift, which made me very happy. I do kind of hope, though, that if she shows it to other people, she does not mention that I made it at the age of 20. 4 or 5 sounds a little bit less pathetic.

Monday, March 16, 2009.

Back to school. I hated every single person that I saw with a tan or highlights or a new STD. They all had more exciting spring breaks than I did. Although none of them probably won a flower pot. So I guess, in that one way, I was the overall winner.

Not really.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: APRIL 3, 2009

Irrational Fears Are Fears Too!

So, it was late last night, and I had a paper that I didn’t want to write and a midterm for which I didn’t want to study. Naturally, I was IMing a friend and browsing Youtube when I was suddenly struck by the memories of some of the things that I fear most in life. Not the regular fears like bugs (yes!) or fire (yes!) or clowns (nope), but the ones that most people have no real cause to fear or were never bored enough to concoct. So, I thought about it, and I realized that perhaps I could exorcise myself of some of these irrational fears by writing them down.

It didn’t work.

1. Falling down stairs. Okay, there is no denying that no one actually wants to fall down a flight of stairs, but one would think that I would be at least somewhat ready to face the possibility. I fall down often enough as it is, and if bones could be calloused from impact, my bones would be rock-solid from all of the times that I have run into things. But stairs are a whole other deal. I’m not afraid of heights, but the idea of tumbling down, step after step after step, just scares me. That’s why I always have to maneuver myself closest to the railing along any staircase. But even railings do not always fix everything; I do not understand why people insist on picking carpets that camouflage the steps, as though you have to prove your balancing merit in order to advance to the next level. It’s not my fault if I get blood on their rugs. Steps should be distinguishable from each other.

2. Breaking my nose. This one is actually connected to my fear of falling down stairs. I’m not particularly vain about my nose or partial to its structure in any way, but I always imagined that it would hurt like hell to break…and you would be so ridiculous looking as you healed…I’ve had black eyes, bruised temples, and cut lips (see #1) and looked a little worse for the wear, but I do not want to have to walk around with a big purple broken nose. Everyone would ask about it, and knowing me, it would be an embarrassing story, so I’d rather just avoid the situation as a whole.

3. Oompa Loompas. All right, I’m not even sure if this one should count as “irrational.” I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m watching Willy Wonka clips on Youtube at 3AM or that I’m six hours away from a midterm in one of my classes, but I have just realized that those little creatures are terrifying! They sing and dance in perfect unison without ever having rehearsed, apparently rejoicing in the demise of the candy-loving children. Now, I’m not talking about the weird midget guy from the new “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”—I’m talking about the little troop of orange Oompa Loompas from the old school version with Gene Wilder and some sky-high writers. And why are they so acrobatic? I feel like they’re just following me around all day, waiting for me to fall into an incinerator or something so that they can sing a death song about me while doing cartwheels. It could happen. We don't know.

4. Fish. Sharks, trout, catfish…I hate them all. They’re just slimy little wrigglers that are only good when dead. I trace this fear to my oldest brother, who seemed to enjoy telling me stories as a kid. So he told me about the freshwater bull sharks that swim around Lake Erie, and the huge sturgeons that came into the shallows to attack little girls. Which is why I now don’t like swimming at the beach when I can’t see the bottom. God only knows what’s down there. And it didn’t help when I spent half an hour floating in the Cuyahoga River when I was 16. I could only imagine what mutant things were swimming around me. So, naturally, I spend a lot of time researching these godforsaken creatures and, between Wikipedia and the Discovery Channel, I have ruled out most of the watery regions of the globe because of the types of fish population.
Oddly, I love eating fish. It’s the best part of Lent.

5. Accidentally missing classes. I prefer to do that on purpose.

6. Word problems. They seem just like innocent paragraphs, sitting there on the page, until it turns out that you’re supposed to figure out how long it takes Stanley to ride the train from Houston and Quebec. It’s a nasty trick.


Say what you will about me. This is some scary shit.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: MARCH 3, 2009

Why It's Great To Be An English Major

...at a scientific college. Say what you will about our chances for material success in the real world after college-we English majors know what we're doing when it comes to managing our curriculum. Therefore, I have made a list of why English is way better and more practical than the other departments.

1. "Smart" people like to tease the English majors about our lack of futures, but the joke is on them-the sooner that our souls are tortured by their mockery, the sooner we become groundbreaking novelists.

2. Small class sizes. We get more individual attention from our student-starved teachers and, more importantly, if enough of us ditch class on the same day, there's often no point in having class at all and the instructors cancel. It's awesome.

3. Few tests. Yes, we have to write a million papers. But with papers, you have time to think ahead to bullshit your responses instead of having to do it on the spot. And there are no equations.

4. We know how to use apostrophes. And that there is a difference between "your" and "you're." And we try to spread that knowledge to all of the others in the world, particularly to the designers of most of the Facebook bumper stickers.

5. We may seem as nerdy as the science majors, but since we don't speak in numbers, we can pose as normal people with minor comma obsessions.

6. Fewer requirements. Frankly, I think that the English Department is just so thrilled to have any students at all that they'll let us take just about anything for credit hours. And they care a lot less about attendance than you might think.

7. We can make up words and, if the rest of the sentence makes sense, people will totally believe that they're real terms. The same logic applies to making up definitions to pre-existing words. I've ruined a fair share of vocabularies this way, but it's their own fault for believing me.

8. We are all obviously going to beat the odds and become rich and famous writers and editors.

9. We can add an extra page to any paper by simply adding more adjectives. It's both a gift and a curse, but we endure.

10. Reading is fun. Everyone should do it.

11. We get to go to plays for homework, which is way more awesome than playing with a calculator for homework. Unless your calculator has Tetris on it, in which case I would play with it all day long, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

So, in summary: English rocks. Suck on that, other departments.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: MARCH 3, 2009