Friday, June 5, 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Five Most Badass Roles

In light of the release of the most recent Terminator movie, I started to think about Arnold Schwarzenegger's career over the last twenty-five years. Of course, when most people think of Arnold, they think of Conan the Barbarian or Predator or Total Recall. But he is an actor who should be seen as the man beyond the muscles. He is so much more than a killing machine.

1. Kindergarten Cop (1990): John Kimble

If you thought that Arnold was badass when he was trying to kill Sarah Connor's unborn child in The Terminator (1984), your mind will be blown by the badassery of Kindergarten Cop as Arnold protects a class of innocent kindergarteners. There is a whole plot about theft and poisoning and kidnapping, but the real highlight is Arnold's interaction with the kids. Arnold has a ferret that only bites bad guys! And he's a bad teacher! And he does not have a too-mah! Who cares about illegal hijinks when there is the possibility of an Arnold vs. Kindergarteners blowout? It would have been an awesome twist that will most likely be the plot of Kindergarten Cop 2: The Next Generation.

2. Junior (1994): Dr. Alex Hesse


Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant. Is there really anything else that needs to be said? The only way that Junior could have been better is if a cyborg from the future came to hunt him down before he gave birth. Danny Devito could have protected him. Danny Devito can protect anyone.

3. Jingle All The Way (1996): Howard Langston


The world would be a better place if all that a man had to do to reconcile with his seriously pissed-off wife and son was to buy the kid an action figure. And the world would be a more interesting place if Arnold Schwarzenegger could only do so by dressing up as a superhero Turbo-Man with a jet pack. But if the villains of the world were postal workers played by Sinbad, the thrill of the chase would be kind of lost. As if Sinbad could take on Arnold. Arnold had had two years of maternity leave to regain the bulk that made him badass in the beginning. As if he needs a jetpack to beat anyone. Although jetpacks do make the world a cooler place to live. Just ask Boba Fett.

4. Batman and Robin (1997): Mr. Freeze and Dr. Victor Fries

Arnold really got to stretch his acting muscles in Batman and Robin, in which he got the chance to play a good guy/bad guy. He wants to freeze Gotham...but he wants to save his wife! He wants to kill most of Gotham...but he wants to cure MacGregor's Syndrome! In one of the most memorable performances of the film, he almost destroys the whole city and its population, but he totally saves Alfred. George Clooney is too pretty to be as tortured and growly as Christian Bale, and it would have been hard to see him try to suffer through the death of the most awesome character in Batman. There is no Batman without Alfred. Period.

5. Governor of California (2003 - ?): Arnold Schwarzenegger

Give it time.

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