Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Why It's Great To Be An English Major

...at a scientific college. Say what you will about our chances for material success in the real world after college-we English majors know what we're doing when it comes to managing our curriculum. Therefore, I have made a list of why English is way better and more practical than the other departments.

1. "Smart" people like to tease the English majors about our lack of futures, but the joke is on them-the sooner that our souls are tortured by their mockery, the sooner we become groundbreaking novelists.

2. Small class sizes. We get more individual attention from our student-starved teachers and, more importantly, if enough of us ditch class on the same day, there's often no point in having class at all and the instructors cancel. It's awesome.

3. Few tests. Yes, we have to write a million papers. But with papers, you have time to think ahead to bullshit your responses instead of having to do it on the spot. And there are no equations.

4. We know how to use apostrophes. And that there is a difference between "your" and "you're." And we try to spread that knowledge to all of the others in the world, particularly to the designers of most of the Facebook bumper stickers.

5. We may seem as nerdy as the science majors, but since we don't speak in numbers, we can pose as normal people with minor comma obsessions.

6. Fewer requirements. Frankly, I think that the English Department is just so thrilled to have any students at all that they'll let us take just about anything for credit hours. And they care a lot less about attendance than you might think.

7. We can make up words and, if the rest of the sentence makes sense, people will totally believe that they're real terms. The same logic applies to making up definitions to pre-existing words. I've ruined a fair share of vocabularies this way, but it's their own fault for believing me.

8. We are all obviously going to beat the odds and become rich and famous writers and editors.

9. We can add an extra page to any paper by simply adding more adjectives. It's both a gift and a curse, but we endure.

10. Reading is fun. Everyone should do it.

11. We get to go to plays for homework, which is way more awesome than playing with a calculator for homework. Unless your calculator has Tetris on it, in which case I would play with it all day long, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

So, in summary: English rocks. Suck on that, other departments.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: MARCH 3, 2009

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