Wednesday, June 3, 2009

My Life Is Half Over

As I was preparing for my upcoming birthday, I found an old list of things that I wanted to accomplish before I turned twenty. Considering that I never completely accomplished any of them, I've decided to rethink them. I figure that it'll make more sense for me to edit my goals than actually try to achieve them in the next couple of days.

Finish my novel.

Well, technically, I already have finished a novel. I was eleven at the time, and I wrote it in a couple of weeks, going as fast as I could in order to amaze the world that a kid my age could write such a masterpiece. Turns out, I wrote 100 pages of a plot that I apparently stole from Jurassic Park (the book), It (the book) and The X-Files (the show that seemed really cool at the time). The main plot of the entire novel has such a massive hole that I'm ashamed to claim it as my own, and one of the major reasons that I hope to never become famous is based on my hoping that it will never be read. Unless in comes up in my memoir. Also, the first chapter features a honeymoon video. And not the fun kind. The kind that was written by an eleven-year-old.

Get my driver's license.
Yes, I am turning twenty.

Learn how to swim the breaststroke.
Breaststroke has really created a lot of problems for me over the last decade. Back when I was a little bright-eyed swimmer, no one cared if I could actually do the breaststroke kick-it was cute just to watch me try. Then I went through a stage where I focused on freestyle because saying "breast" in front of my brothers was embarrassing...and then I became a lifeguard who couldn't do the breaststroke kick because she ignored it during puberty. I maintain that sidestroke is cooler.

Learn how to tell time.
Okay, I can tell time, but I've worn a digital watch since a fourth grade trip to Disney World, and I feel like it would help me out in the future if it took me less time to actually read the face of a clock. It's a more common problem than you might think.

Learn to play an instrument.
I was a master (mistress?) of the recorder in third grade, and I felt that it was just selfish of me to deprive the world of my musical ability. Unfortunately, I can't read notes. Also, apparently, the recorder doesn't garner much respect in the world of "sophisticated" music. Yet.

Work ahead on papers and projects.
Okay, in my experience, desperation breeds genius.

Learn the Ten Commandments.
I like to tell people that I spent the first fourteen years of my educational career in Catholic school, but that can lead to embarrassing questions. So, to keep people from figuring out that I don't know how to say a rosary or who the current pope is, I'd like to guilt people by citing the Ten Commandments. But no one really knows them, so most people wouldn't notice if I started making them up.

Learn how to sing the lyrics to "We Didn't Start The Fire" without any prompting.
I almost achieved this feat in Nutrition class last semester, but it was really too early to appreciate the genius of Billy Joel. Also, I think that this will ultimately come in more handy than the Ten Commandments.

Stop falling for fictional men.
It is not my fault that Fitzwilliam Darcy and Jim Halpert are so damn charming. And unless they stop being awesome before my birthday this weekend, I will not be achieving this goal.

Drink milk.
I think that milk is one of the most disgusting fluids on earth, but I also think that it will kinda hurt me, in my post-20 years, when my bones crumble to dust. It is my Lenten resolution to drink milk everyday, but everyone knows that what you give up for Lent is what you should give up for your New Year's resolution but know that you don't care enough to do it for a whole year.


ORIGINALLY POSTED: MARCH 2, 2009

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