Monday, June 22, 2009

Why It's Good That Some Children Don't Understand Threats

This is my sixth year of lifeguarding at the same pool, guarding the same children. They've gotten annoying. Fortunately, however, they do not tell their parents when bitter lifeguards threaten them with bodily harm. *

These are all actual conversations from this past week of work.

Guarding adult swim...
Grace: When is rest period going to be over?
Me: When I say so.
Grace: Blow your whistle!
Me: Bite me.

On break, during rest period...
Jacob: Can I get back in the pool?
Me: No.
Jacob: Let me back in the pool.
Me: No.
Jacob: Can I play with your whistle?
Me: I'm going to hit you over the head with this tube.

Teaching Level 3 swimming lessons...
Me: Get back on the wall.
Aidan: I don't want to.
Me: Get back on the wall.
Aidan: I'm gonna splash you!
Me: I'm gonna hit you over the head with that kickboard.

Guarding the deep end...
Me: No flips off the diving board.
Patrick: That's not a rule!
Me: It is for you.
Patrick: You made that up!
Me: I'm a lifeguard. I can make up whatever rules I want.
Patrick: That's not fair.
Me: Get out of the pool and give me twenty push-ups. No contradicting the lifeguards.

Eating a popsicle...
Kata: Lemme have a popsicle.
Me: Get your own.
Kata: You have a freezer!
Me: You know what? This is a tasty popsicle.
Kata: I bet you get brain freeze.
Me: I bet that I whip you with my whistle.

Guarding the deep end.

Zack: I want to go off the board.
Me: No. You haven't passed the deep water test.
Zack: I don't wanna.
Me: Too bad.
Zack: You're up in that chair. You can't stop me!
Me: Fine. If you drown, I'm not saving you.
Zack: You have to!
Me: Try it.

Testing the pH of the water...
Cooper: Whatcha doing?
Me: Testing the water.
Cooper: You are not.
Me: I would know.
Cooper: Is it acid?
Me: It's a chemical that turns pee red so that we know which little boys peed in the pool.
Cooper: Is it rest period yet?

Skimming the pool after the whistle blows...
Gwynne: Why are you skimming the pool?
Me: To get out the dead bugs. Get out of the pool.
Gwynne: Why?
Me: Do you want to swim in a pool full of bugs? Get out of the pool.
Gwynne: But why are all these bugs dead in the pool?
Me: They can't swim. Out of the pool!
Gwynne: But why did they go in the pool if they can't swim?
Me: They fall in sometimes, because they have to fly really low so that they can lay their eggs into the water to hatch in little girls' hair.
Gwynne: Oh no! What're they gonna hatch into?
Me: Water-millipedes. You can stay in if you want to.

*I have never actually hurt a child at the pool, nor do I ever intend to. There are some pretty annoying adults, though.

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